Sole Journey

Wednesday, June 19, 2024.

This week has been nice so far. We’ve had very high temperatures since Monday. I love the 100 degree weather. Sometimes I find myself constantly complaining about the weather when it’s cold outside. You will never, ever hear me complain about hot weather!

Even though it was super hot, I weeded for about 3 hours on Monday. I didn’t mind it being hot, but sadly I think I got poison ivy. I’m putting my steroid cream on all my itchy spots and praying that it goes away without needing oral steroids. I’m trying not to itch, but it’s been a miserable couple of days, lol. The good news is that between this week and last week, I filled 6 lawn bags. That’s a fine pace to me, and I would be ecstatic to keep it up all summer.

On Monday I was very busy. I went through my closet and books, and things downstairs. I purged a nice little pile for the Vietnam Vets to pick up today. I like this organization, because they pick up unwanted items from your porch. Also, they’re super easy to schedule with. They always send me a notification when they’re coming to my street. After they pick up today, I’m going to schedule them to come again in a few weeks. I did this before and it really helped me clear out our unused items. I did this all morning, and then weeded for most of the afternoon. I was pretty sore Monday night, but the muscle aches felt good.

On Tuesday, I slept till almost 8:00 and took a walk first thing- before it got too hot. It was too late. though. About 40 minutes in, it was getting extremely steamy, and I ended up having to call home for a ride back. My dog, Jules, doesn’t tolerate walking well when it’s really hot. I knew that it would take me another hour just to go the last half a mile. Hubby picked up the dog at the end of our street and I hustled home on foot without him. After the walk, I didn’t do much. I cleaned the pool and then floated for a couple of hours. I felt that after Monday, and the busy weekend, I needed a little bit of a rest. I did make us a good lunch (tuna fish/lettuce on pita) and dinner (taco salad and cornbread). Hubby was so happy and said he loves it when I’m home.

Now it’s Wednesday, and I feel that. I should be productive, but I’m itchy and might just rest a lot today too, lol. I think I’m going to focus on things like grounding, writing, things I can do sitting down, lol. I do feel like I should work my muscles today and was thinking about trying to find some weight exercises. We’ll see.. I may go to a couple of stores- just for fun- like Aldi’s or the World Market- if I feel like getting out of the house. My car desperately needs an oil change, maybe I’ll get that crossed off my list.

Today and tomorrow will be pretty uneventful. I’m hoping to keep this balance between rest, fun and productivity going for the rest of the summer. On Friday, my cousin is supposed to come to swim and hang out. I’m really looking forward to it. We started hanging out again (after many years of not seeing much of each other) shortly after my mom died, but got out of touch again. We were busy and our kids were much younger and busier. Now, they’re all getting old and are pretty self-sufficient. I hope that we stay in touch this time. She’s been a great cousin and friend and is one of the few cousins who doesn’t drink/party all the time.

On Friday night, hubby and I have a “paranormal” tour at the Whitney Mansion. We’ll probably do dinner in the D beforehand. I’m super excited for our date night and to be able to tour the Whitney!

By the way, our anniversary on Sunday was very uneventful. We worked around the house all morning and then ordered carry out and hung out in the pool in the afternoon. I mean, it was fun, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it seemed like an ordinary day- which is fine.

One thing that I want to bring up, that’s very hard for me to write about, is about my connections. This past year, some of my closest connections have seemed to have dropped off the planet. Including my best friend since elementary school, I haven’t talked or seen her for about a year now. I tried to reach out a couple of times, and every time she would apologize incessantly about not reaching out. I would always say, that’s okay, that’s how our relationship has always been- we might go several months or maybe a year without talking, but can bounce right back into the friendship at the right time. I feel this time is different. I feel like she’s just done with me. It’s sad and makes me cry when I think about it, but all I can do is feel the sadness and move on. Maybe she’ll come back someday, but as time goes by I sometimes doubt it. Like I said, we’ve been through this. before- but this seems different. It sucks.

Also, my family has been so tough to navigate. My sister is visiting from Florida and I thought she would at least stay a few nights at my house. We talk like every day and practice spirituality together. I knew she wanted to stay a few nights in Tawas. Our mom left us three sisters a cabin when she died. My oldest sister has slowly taken it over, and consequently, my family hasn’t been up there in probably over 5 years. She wanted me to come to Tawas, but I didn’t feel comfortable, so I didn’t go. It was hard to hear my three sisters (one is a half sister with a different mother- so that’s why the cabin was left to just us 3 girls, not 4) and cousin talk about their plans for the week in Tawas, practically squealing with excitement, while at the graduation party on Saturday. It felt cruel and unfair.

In two days my sister goes back to Florida. We normally talk every day. I haven’t talked to her since Saturday, and really don’t feel like I care to. I’m not sure how long this feeling will last. The thing that is just so confusing for me, is that our older sister treats all of us other sisters like shit. Really. She’s awful to everyone, actually, except for maybe work friends because she has an image to hold up. She’s so awful she pins her kids against each other- things like that. We often talk about the crappy things she does. So why am I here alone all week, and they’re all having fun together- at a place that I’m not allowed to go.

It makes me not want to talk to my sisters. I know this isn’t a good way to be. I’m not mad at them, They have their own path, and I have mine. I just haven’t felt that hurt in such a long time. I think that cutting off- or avoiding people is generally unhealthy. I intended on going back to our daily talks after she gets home, but I don’t even know if I want to. When we talk in the mornings, it’s a big mood/spiritual boost for the day. I feel like she broke my trust, and I just don’t know how I should move forward. I could just tell her how I feel and then try to go back to how it was. The thing is, I’m not sure that’s what I want. I’m not sure that I want to give someone so much of my time and energy after hurting me so bad. It stings a lot because she knows how horrible our sister treats everyone, but she still chose her over me. I must be god awfully boring then, right?

I don’t want to connect with people who don’t see my value.

So what I’m seeing is my close connections slowly dropping out of my life. WTF?? It makes me feel like I’m the crazy one. Maybe I am. All I’m doing is trying to be true to myself. If my authenticity makes me lose all my friends, then I guess I was meant to be a loner..

So, that’s been going on, and it’s been sad. I think I’m coping with it well, though. It’s been a huge learning experience, especially my sister coming up from Florida and not caring about spending time with me and my family.

My ego has been so naughty though! It’s been trying to run it’s mouth since Saturday, when everyone declared they were going up north and going to have so much fun, without me. Especially the first few days, I had to constantly tell myself things like:

I am valued. I am loved. I am loving.

Over and over and over again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell it to shut up, lol.

I kept imagining my mind like 10 years ago. I would have let my ego run rampant, I had no idea how to control it. This week has been proof of my growth. I’ve had SUCH a great week, despite my feelings of sadness and betrayal. I’m so happy to not have my emotions ruin my entire day. If this were my old self, I would have literally spent the week telling off my sister in my head. Instead, I told off my ego- which proved to be WAY more effective.

I wanted to bring this situation up, because it’s been weighing on me all week. The biggest thing that truly does bother me, is the feeling of my closest connections dropping off. I think maybe at this time in my life, I’m meant to be alone. It also really bothers me when people act differently when they’re around certain people. I guess I need to work on this! The end goal is to not be bothered by anything. I think I’m slowly getting there. At least this shituation has helped me grow in this area, lol.

I’m just trusting that I’m right where I’m supposed to be, with who I’m supposed to be with. Overall, I’m just super grateful for my growth. Really, I’ve been dealing with similar shituations involving my sisters for most of my adult life. I know that my reaction to something like this 5 or more years ago would have been much different. I probably would have sent my sisters a text by now, declaring my intent to never speak to them again- at the request of my ego who is ruminating about the anger and running the show that’s called, my life.

Now I know that these enormous feelings aren’t here to show me how awful my family is- they’re here to help me grow. So I’ve been doing a ton of reflection this week with a focus on feeling grateful. It’s been a joyful week, despite feeling betrayed by someone I’m really close to. I’m happy to be able to separate my big emotions from my mood. I can be sad about this shituation while feeling great joy. I’ve heard before that all emotions come from either love or fear. I think I’ve read somewhere before that it’s impossible to feel both love and fear at the same time. Then how can I be so sad about something, yet feel joyful? Is the love overriding the fear? This is all great news, actually!

Sorry for all the venting. I needed to get it out- and I feel better now that I’ve written it down. I feel like it’s been quite awhile since I’ve been tested this hard. This is like a final exam, but I feel like I’m staying afloat!